Read This in Silent Night During Your Praying

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An apology.

Dear Allah, my creator and maker, my lord and king, my passion and fear and my refuge and shelter:

In Your Name the Name above names,

I don’t even know where to start. Life has been tough lately, but now I see that I was deserving of everything that has happened to me.

I know You know it all before I even think of saying it, but I need to tell You that I am sorry. I have sinned, disobeyed, and took You for granted. I have been selfish, blind, and worthless. I spent my time clinging to the garbage of this life. I spent my time pissing my parents off. I spent my time and effort on things other than Your words, other than Your Book, and other than Your obedience.

I forgot you and only very selfishly and awfully remembered You in the time of my need, but when You with Your infinite mercy calmed the storm, what did I do? I forgot you again.

I disobeyed You privately and publicly. I crossed Your lines and transgressed and wronged myself to the worst of what I can do, but when You with Your infinite mercy forgave me and covered those sins, what did I do? I sinned again.

I took Your blessings for granted. I never thanked You for my health, my family, my ability to get good grades, all the opportunities You opened the doors of for me, my house, my friends, my sight, the fact that I had food more than I ever wanted. I never thanked You for all the minutes You gave me to live, all the days You blessed me with, all the Ramadhans you made me witness, and all the love You made anyone ever feel for me without me ever deserving it, but when You with Your infinite mercy overlooked my ingratitude and blessed me even more, what did I do? I never thanked You yet again.

Ya Allah, forgive me. Ya Allah, love me. Ya Allah, don’t treat me with what I deserve but with what Your Glory demands. Ya Allah, strengthen me over myself and shaitan. Ya Allah guide me, Ya Allah guide me, ya Allah guide me.

I am your slave, and I don’t even deserve that honor. I only exist because of Your kindness and I only live through Your Breaths in me. I love You with every beat of my stupid, blind heart which I have nobody else to trust other than Your Majesty to take care of.

Ya Allah, I seek refuge in the light of Your Face to guide me, and every other person whose heart is aching for You. I seek refuge in the perfection of Your existence to forgive me, and every other person who is drowning in sin. I seek refuge in Your kindness to heal me, and every other person who is ill with the love of their nafs and this life.

I am sorry.

Yours sincerely,

Your slave.

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